all you care about is your feelings and what makes you feel good for the moment. You never consider what impact your actions may have on people that care for you. Needless, to say I am very disappointed in you. It really is difficult to trust or believe you, as there have been so many lies and deceptions. You say one thing and then do the opposite, just like when you told me that you don’t like heavy woman, and then two weeks later you are dating Denise. It appears that you act very impulsively, without first considering the consequences . I remember when you told us the first time you signed up for a hair transplant. You came crying to us, telling us that you made such an irrational decision and felt so ashamed. Then a few years later you decide to do it again.
I think you are looking for external fixes to your problem, be it your hair, a girlfried (sic), contacting the “other” family, a new job, etc., instead of really solving your problem. I can assure you Chris, that external changes is not what will make you happy and feel whole. You need to find happiness within yourself. It is for these reasons why I disagreed so vehemently about your dating Denise, or anybody at this stage in your life. You are correct in that I have no right to tell you what to do, and in fact, I don’t want to do that. But I don’t understand, Chris, that you don’t know me better after 24 years together where I have demonstrated my love for you and how very much I tried to steer you in the right direction so that you can become a whole and happy human being, and where you become so hostile when I tried to tell you that you should rethink your choice of a girlfriend. You have always done that and when it was over told me how I was right and that you saw what I told you all along, but just didn’t what to admit it. Don’t you think, Chris, that it would have been far easier for me to say , Oh Chris, if you are happy I am happy and gone on my merry way. I am simply not that kind of a person and you should know that by now. Yes, I should respectfully disagree, but that also applies to you. You can’t expect of me to accept anything you do and embrace it when I don’t feel right about it.
The bottom line in my book is that you just don’t ditch people after 24 years of being toghether (sic), the way you have these past six months. You say you feel people should talk to each other, yet you have procrastinated in that department in a big way. So your mad at your dad for 6 months, even though he reached out to you time after time via phone calls and e-mails. Furthermore, if you cared at all about us and our feelings, and out of appreciation for what we have done for you, and considering how sensitive the subject was, you should have sat down with us and explained to us your great need to reconnect with your “other” family, before you did it. When you broke up with Birgid, I asked you if it would bother you if I continued to stay in touch with her. I told you that if it bothered you I would not, even though I had every right to do so. That’t (sic) how you deal with people you love and care for. You don’t hurt them. Or is it, Chris, that your feelings for us are so superficial that you can just turn us off by flipping a switch?
You gladly accepted all the help we gave you, but with that also comes responsibility on your part. I see other grown up children all around us who are there for their parent. Our neighbors daugher (sic) across the street told me that her mother had very strong opinions about everything, and had no hesitation telling her adult children in their 30th and 40th. She told me that they didn’t mind, because they new that she loved them and meant well. What a mature attitude. For our 30th wedding anniversary you couldn’t even take out the time to buy us a card, instead send us a run of the mill e-mail card. Contrast that to the hotel clerk where we stayed. We happened to mention to him that we were celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. After we checked in and returned from our walk on the beach, we found a nice bottle of wine from him in our room with a very nice personal card. We needless to say were very moved.
Obviously, what we have done for you, which is far above and beyond what other parents have done for their kids, does not mean anything to you. It’s either we agree with you or you are going to stomp off and do your thing , regardless of what impact that has on us. I am very sad that this is the way you deal with people who have loved and cared for you so much. It’s amazing how you have taken one disagreement to alienate yourself from us and forget the 20 some odd years that we have supported and loved you. It should have been obvious to you that whatever was said was because we care so much for you in light of all we have done for you over the years. Also, I find it interesting that it was more important to you to reestablish a relationship with your “other” family, of whom you always spoke so very unkindly, before you made things right between us, even though we were the ones there for you. I want you to know that I am NOT at all jealous of your talking to Frances or the rest of the gang, only very puzzled in light of everything you said and the effect it has had on you.
Now that you are in therapy, I hope that you can appreciate my frankness. Your dad and I have always been open and honest with you, and had hoped that you would be too. I am very surprised that after all these sessions you had with your therapist, you tell me that they are going extremely well, yet you treat us abysmally and don’t even seem to feel guilty about it. I even suggested family counselling (sic) if it helped, which you made very clear is not what you want. I wonder what your therapist would say if she read through the stack of cards we saved and which you gave us over the years. In every card without fail you extol the virtues of your parents, right up until last year. All of a sudden we are the worst parents whom you can treat disrespectfully and extremely unkind.
Truthfully, Chris, I don’t know really who you are any more. You have changed so much, and all the lies, deception, haughty attitude, anger, and ill –treatment bring all those wonderful words you said over the years into question. One thing I can assure you of, and that is that we have NOT changed. We are still the very loving and caring parents we always were. I certainly wish you well, but can not tell you how deeply disappointed I am in that you have become so callous and selfish, especially towards two people who have cared and loved you so much. I think if you are really honest with yourself, and contemplate the last 20 odd years, you too will come to that conclusion . Remember Chris, we are not just toys that you toss away when you are done playing with them.
Love, Mom
A Character's Destiny 